Once, when my husband was invited to preach a trial sermon, I was advised by the search committee chair to “dress conservatively.” As someone who spent most of her Sundays doing crafts with young children, my wardrobe was focused on function. (Unfortunately), I am judged by my outward appearance rather than my calling, the ministry I provide, and the way I conduct myself with the congregation.” “I’m sure they would love me all dolled up on campus,” said a pastor’s wife from Florida who directs her church’s program for children and youth, “but I am not interested in pretending to be someone I’m not with fancy dresses, jewelry, heavy makeup, dyed hair, fake nails, Botox, the list could go on! I do my best ministry in tennis shoes. “I am judged by my outward appearance rather than my calling, the ministry I provide, and the way I conduct myself with the congregation.” The world of the casual, come-as-you-are worship service does not include Pastor’s Wife Barbie. Since my husband and I were the only parents with children in the nursery, it was obvious who was meant. However, a notice soon appeared in the church bulletin instructing parents to pick up their children from the nursery immediately after the worship service. Being an extrovert, I was happy to oblige. A few Black women in the deaconate suggested that I, as the “First Lady,” ought to join my husband in the rear of the sanctuary after the service to greet congregants as they departed. The most diverse congregation my husband served as pastor was half white and half African American and mirrored the city’s transition from sleepy Southern town to a metropolitan suburb. “I mostly paid out of pocket too, but when I turned in the receipts for things like mulch and soil and perennials, I was accused (by other members) of spending frivolously.” “I studied, and I learned, and revived the garden,” she said. When a group of women in the church complained that the immense garden at the parsonage was not being adequately maintained, the wife of one pastor sprang into action. Within a single church there are as many expectations for the wife of the pastor as there are members, and often these expectations conflict and reflect the tension already present in the congregation. “It’s like we’re all supposed to share the same personality, the meek, gentle Proverbs 31 woman, and still get shit done.” “There’s the expectation to play piano and teach Sunday school, be at church every Sunday, fill in whenever it’s needed regardless of time, energy or talent,” lamented one pastor’s wife. Reaching out to other wives of pastors in various denominations, I found they had similar experiences. The more I sought life outside the box, the harder some church members worked to force me into it. I spent 20 years as the wife of a pastor serving in established, traditional local churches where I devoted much of my time negotiating life inside and outside the narrow confines of the Pastor’s Wife Barbie box. While the box for Pastor’s Wife Barbie in moderate and progressive churches is not as pink or conspicuous as it once was, it is still there, and it can spring like a trap. As the twist ties tighten, Barbie remembers how stifling life in the box was and escapes. They attempt to coax Barbie into surrendering her newfound freedom by entering a giant pink Barbie box. In the movie Barbie, the title character is on the loose in the Real World, posing a threat to executives at Mattel, the toy company behind the iconic doll. In this enlightened age, even at egalitarian churches, we’ve not abandoned expectations for the spouses of our pastors, and woe to she who tries to live outside the Pastor’s Wife Barbie box. “Woe to she who tries to live outside the Pastor’s Wife Barbie box.” “Like they didn’t know who to give the official ‘preacher’s wife jobs’ to!” “My churches acted a little bit like I had cheated them out of a ‘preacher’s wife’ and some ‘preacher’s kids’ because I was a single woman,” said one female pastor, who spoke on condition of anonymity. With the advent of female ministers and same-sex marriage for clergy, talking about the role of the “pastor’s wife” seems anachronistic but even women in ministry can’t fully escape it. This idealized image of Pastor’s Wife Barbie, a woman more plastic than person, remains a very real thing in the minds of churchgoers. Because if there’s one woman who, more than any other, is still expected to do and be everything, it’s the pastor’s wife.Īdmit it: Even the phrase “pastor’s wife” conjures up a mental picture of a demure woman in high heels and pearls with an affinity for hot rollers. Ladies, don’t take your children to see the new Barbie movie.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |